[Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in]
Monica: C'mon guys, it'll be fun!
Phoebe: All right, all right... I'll play if we don't keep score!
Monica: But then how do we know who wins?
Phoebe: Nobody wins!
Monica: So, we're just four losers... SUPER!
Chandler: I'm not playing with you.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm out.
Mike: I'll play ya!
Monica: (smiling) OK!
Phoebe: Mike, you don't know, you don't know what you're doing!
Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!
(Monica rolls her eyes)
Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?
Monica: Sure! Got to!
(Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike scores)
Monica: Aww!
Mike: Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!!
Chandler: (nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there's two of them!
Mike: You're ready to play?
Monica: Hell, yeah!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?
Phoebe: No idea! I though he was soft like you!
Mike: Wanna make it more interesting?
Monica: How much were you thinking?
Mike: Ten bucks a game?
Monica: Make it fifty!
Mike: I'll make it a hundred!
Monica: (nearly shouting) One thousand...
Chandler: (interrupting her) OK!
Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?
Monica: (going through her pockets) No... (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter?
Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!
Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it.
Monica: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads!
Phoebe: Tails!
Monica: (angry) Ow, what are the chances!
(They start playing again)
Monica: Ha! My point!
Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.
Phoebe: (smiling proudly) He was a lawyer!
[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
Monica: Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Ah, yeah!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Ah, yeaaah!
Mike: DO YOU?
Monica: AH YEAAAAH!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?
Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now?
(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits)
Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
Phoebe: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
(Mike scores)
Monica: Oh, damn it!
Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!
Mike: (boasting) Game, point!
Monica: (threatening) Don't get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?
Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.
(they continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)
Monica: NO, NO, NOOO!
Mike: And that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses him)
Chandler: Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
Monica: Best out of three?
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the ball, chump.
Phoebe: (to Mike) Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back.
[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)
Mike: Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41.
Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!
Monica: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him!
Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable!Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!
Monica: I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours!
Chandler: But...
Monica: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness!
Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?
Monica: That's just good sense!
(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)
Monica: (in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand, moaning like she's biting back a scream)
Chandler: You ok?
Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can't play!
Mike: So you forfeit?
Phoebe: Mike wins?
Monica: I can't believe it! (pause) I lost!
Chandler: No, you didn't.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Because I'm gonna play for ya.
Phoebe: You can't do that!
Mike: Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I beat.
Phoebe: Ok, we're taking that paddle home, mister.
Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this.
Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you.
Monica: But... you suck!
Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart.
(Chandler prepares to play)
Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
Mike: Ok!
(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all)
Monica: Oh my God! You're good!
Phoebe: It's like watching porn!
(Chandler scores and wins the match)
Chandler: And that's... how... it's done!
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?
Chandler: I never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was!
Monica: Why?
Chandler: I don't know.
Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments!
Chandler: That's why!